All these fading scars,

each different yet the same memory,

of a void and empty space inside,

that I thought I killed but only maimed.

It healed, it grew, became strong enough,

to start another fight.

If it will win I will die,

murder masked by suicide.

Chess Piece

This piece I have published in the reddit sub “Writing Prompts”, with the topic “A pawn chess-piece, suffering from PTSD from all the war, wishes to end it for once and for all.”

It starts again, the front line. Endless black and white pastures in front of me, so clear that I can see the enemy from here, their shining front line. But I’m not fooled anymore, after endless battles, I know that’s from here they are white, but when fighting face to face with them you can see the cracks, their scars.

What has happened will happen again, just like in the many times before. I will fight, I will try, I will die. Painfully, I will die. Screaming for my family, for help, for a medic, alone I will die.

I cannot take it anymore. Too much death, too much of my own death. I dream of taking my own life but I can’t, I have to obey the rules. Do the King and Queen know that some of the scars are ones I did to myself? Do they care as long as I am doing my job?

I want to be done with it. I’ve heard stories of soldiers that were scarred so hard that they broke, and other pawns replaced them. How can I arrange that?

First blood, I can here it, time to move again.

Simple Little Semicolon ;

I am a programmer, and as such I see semicolons every day. Almost every line of code is finished with a semicolon [1]

System.out.println("I am a sentence");      

So I guess that, as opposed to non-programmers who rarely see a semicolon, programmers see it everywhere and don’t pay much attention to it. It means the end of the line. After encountering the Project Semicolon I will never look at it the same. I know it sounds silly, but this project has an amazing goal and it’s symbol, the semicolon, is so right on the money that it made me look at the simple sign differently. I’ve heard about this project from this wonderful blog post by Heather Parrie. This line really got to me:

We’ll start here: a semi-colon is a place in a sentence where the author has the decision to stop with a period, but chooses not to. A semi-colon is a reminder to pause and then keep going.

But chooses not to. This is a hard and brave decision. I was never diagnosed with clinical depression. I have however, as I’m sure many people have, experienced with dark thoughts and bad emotions surfacing and blurring the view of the world. This black hole in your chest that sucks the life out of you, or nails in your stomach which give anxiety a physical manifestation. I can only imagine the feeling that someone with severe depression or anxiety feels, and I’m extremely glad that such a project as Project Semicolon exists. Keep going.

[1] In the language the I program in, let’s not argue about programming languages now, not the purpose of this post.