Command

Command not recognized,
retried twice,
but him, we
should have aborted.

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Monster

The monster is not inside the closet,

it’s not under the bed,

the monster lives inside of me,

whispering fears into my head.

 

It makes sure I will understand

the hidden meaning of the word,

so even the kindest niceties,

cut me deeper than a sword.

 

all sound is filtered, colors cut,

all is rude, sharp and grey.

The beauty in the world is not for me,

I won’t die just slowly wither and decay.

Again

All these fading scars,

each different yet the same memory,

of a void and empty space inside,

that I thought I killed but only maimed.

It healed, it grew, became strong enough,

to start another fight.

If it will win I will die,

murder masked by suicide.

Vocabulary of Pain

My vocabulary for pain extends only for the outside,

Here I was cut, and here I was bruised,

Here I was hurt badly and stitches were used.

So why I cannot express the pain from within,

No words can be found, where the blackness begins,

It’s there, and it’s pressing right on your chest,

It pushes your tears out and gives you no rest.

It sucks your life out until you wither and die.

But that pain, always there, I cannot describe.

Impermanence?

At the beginning practicing mindfulness was hard. Could not hold a session for more than 2-5 minutes, and even in that time my mind was going to every direction. Feelings, sensations, thoughts, I was distracted by everything.

Then it seemed that I was getting the hang of it – sessions were getting easier, 10, 15, 20 minute sessions were possible. Sure, I had distractions, but I was able to be non-reactive and non-judgmental (to some degree). It seems that I was in the “mindfulness zone”. I was actually seeing the benefits and liked doing these sessions.

But lately it seems to take a turn for the worse. Again, I cannot concentrate, I am distracted by everything. Dark feelings are distracting me, I’m feeling crushed by them. Sometimes I even find myself tearing, feeling sadness beyond any reason or control.

One of the thing mindfulness teaches is impermanence, that everything passes. When everything was OK I was grasping to the good feelings, and now when they passed I feel like I did something wrong. On the other hand now that everything is bad I can’t seem to shake the feeling that it will never go away. It’s here to stay.

I start the session and I feel that I’m about to burst in tears. I feel as if a dark vice is grabbing my insides. My chest is burning, my stomach is turning. Something is twisting, turning, suffocating, and seems to only be growing inside me, here to consume what is left. Did it ever hear of impermanence, does it know that it need to go away? Or is it here to stay?

Quoth the Blackness, Nevermore

One of my favorite poems is The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe[1]. I’ve read it again not long ago and some of the sentences there really hit me. Maybe because they remind me of my anxiety, my sadness.

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore—
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
“’Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door—
Only this and nothing more.”

This feeling, that catches you unprepared while doing your day to day things. You notice it creeping just a little too late. Just a second later and you could have fight it, but now it’s too close, caught you off guard. It’s tapping at your front door now.

And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me—filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
“’Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door—
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door;
— This it is and nothing more.”

You’re off guard but still trying to avoid it, the terror, the anxiety. Like closing your eyes and mumbling that there’s no monster under the bad, just a visitor.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, “Hello?”[2]
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, “”Hello!”—
Merely this and nothing more.

You’re surrounded, the anxiety, the sadness, are within you. You try and take look there in order to understand that blackness inside of you, try to see if it has a form, something you can grab and throw away. Nothing helps, what you throw at it, what you shout at it, nothing helps.

And the feeling[3], never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted—nevermore!

It’s here to stay this time. It’s not going away. You will slowly lose your mind.

It doesn’t matter the numerous times that I thought that this feeling won’t go away and they did, the next time such a feeling will rise it will be here to stay. I guess that this is the nature of this blackness, makes you think that you will never get it out. Nevermore.

[1] This sentence might indicate that I read poems all the time, knows a lot of them, and from all of them I like The Raven. I’m familiar with just a few poems, and really like this one. Don’t get me confused with a poem expert.
[2] The actual word in the poem is “Lenore”, a little out of context for this post since I’ve excluded some of the poem.
[3] The actual word in the poem is “Raven”, changed due to it being out of context for this blog post.

Treatment is Simple, Pagliacci is in Town Tonight

Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, “Treatment is simple. Great clown, Pagliacci, is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.” Man bursts into tears. Says, “But doctor, I am Pagliacci.”

This line is from the comic Watchmen that really got to me.

I believe that most people that I know would describe me as funny, confident, with a short fuse from time to time and very good at his work. People come to me for advice regarding work and other things.

People don’t know the amount of… of… of black that I have in my stomach from time to time. That most of the time what they perceive as anger is really anxiousness, is really a terrible feeling that things are falling apart and I’m trying to prevent it.

People don’t know that behind the smile and confidence sometime I want to burst into tears.

I can understand Pagliacci completely.